Healthy GRIEVING Is Important In Accepting LOSS | Healing From Grief by Dr. Gabor Maté (2023)


Dr. Gabor Maté Explores The Concept On The Process of GRIEVING Is Essential to Accepting LOSS

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Dr Gabor Maté

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Foreign scientist who died a few years ago, every morning untimely death.

His name was Dr, Yak, Bank sep.

And he distinguished a number of brain systems, emotional systems that we share with other mammals, actually the more developing human beings, but we share them with other mammals, they include care.

And and he capitalize these c-a-r-e and that's, our, um, biologically genetically evolutionally, determined impulse to care for the vulnerable.

Its primary purpose is, of course, the care of the young because none was none more vulnerable than the newborn and and a child.

So there's got to be some system in the brain in the brain of the adult that that compels or calls that the parent caregiver to take care of the child and that's called the care system.

And it has certain neurochemicals associated with it oxytocin and vasopressin and endorphins.

And and so on.

And so care is one system.

We have a system for rage.

You can see how that's necessary because when somebody is there and coaching on your boundaries, you want to be able to defend yourself.

So no stay out that's.

The rage system and the assistance for lust, obviously a system for seeking.

You know, one of the systems that he distinguished was what he calls Panic grief, Panic, slash grief, again, capitalized.

This is the response of the young creature who doesn't get the care that they need if you're an infant.

And your parents are not there to not there with you they're, Meant, To, Be, With, You, 24 7 by the way, no mother cat leaves, their infant.

No mother orangutan, push the infant in a tree and goes off on a picnic.

So when the parent is not around, the infant is meant to panic, why? Because the infant Panic response will, um, show itself in crying and distressed and that'll bring the band running, because the parents care system gets activated by the child's.

Panic grief is when the care is lost and there's, real grief and that's the necessary process to come to terms with the loss.

It's gone I'm, not getting it back I'm so sad now in our evolutionary environment, where we grew up in small band, hunter-gatherer groups, the pants may have been lost, but there were others around to hold the child.

So the child will be held in their grief.


The child is held in their grief.

They can move through it and move past.

It and know that it's.

Okay to grieve even liberating degrees, just like The Liberation that you felt.

But if the child if there's nobody around to hold the child in their grief, then we suppress our capacity to grieve.

And when you talk about the people that don't know how to breathe that's, what you're talking about they're telling you about their childhood histories, their infant history is actually probably so these losses they don't need to be overtly catastrophic, but I don't know, if I mentioned this last time, but I was reading my mother's diary, um that she kept when I was a newborn and uh, you know, this is the wartime in Budapest under the Nazis, mostly, um and I always thought that my trauma had to do with those big tea events.

But then she talks about harsh I'm, three weeks old and she's.

Lying there with me and it's, two it's, almost two in the morning quarter to two in the morning.

And my poor little guppy that's, the diminutive for Gabor, I feel so bad for you.

My heart is breaking she writes in her diary because you've been crying for the last hour and a half hour.

And a quarter ask you to be fed, but I promised the doctor that I would feed you on schedule.

So you're, not due to feed until two o'clock again because I fed you a 10 o'clock.

Okay, this time I'm going to give in, but don't think it's going to happen again because you're old enough of a young gentleman to realize that sometimes we have to wait for things.


Now, I was grieving for an hour and a half panicking and grieving.

And these little losses that we think is just normal part of life.

If they subvert or disappoint, the child's natural expectation.

They result in panic, the result in grief.

And if they keep happening it's unbearable.

So we suppress the grief, which doesn't mean that it goes away.

But it means that you put it as sort of a a body armor against it.

We tense up against it.

So in that article, when I talk about when this tension pay attention to it, I, never tell anybody how to grieve I mean, yeah, there's grieving, rituals.

And if you're in a culture or can join one like the Irish, they Keen don't.

They they're women, which is Keen for the Dead and there's.

A Jewish Shiva, um, uh.

You said, sure you you visit the family of the of the of the deceased one, and and you spend time together that you know, there's, you know, there's culturally the indigenous healing practices.

So if you're in a culture that offers grieving practices, well, that's great.

But for the most part, this culture does not.

So when somebody asks you, how do I grieve? Um, there's.

Nothing I can teach sometimes it's not going to do this to breathe.

What I would do if I was talking to somebody who believes this and grief to believe, but they don't know how to I would just start with where they are at the moment.

I would say, well, what's happening for you right now, uh, a kind of compassionate inquiry.

And if anybody here of course, I have no idea, I'm, not guaranteeing success, but I'm, just telling you how I would go about.

It I would begin with what is not with we're trying to get somewhere and we're, not getting there and it's frustrating.

And we should be getting there, but I mean, your mindfulness practitioners, um, it's, a matter of becoming very actively and compassionately.

Uh, curious about just actually what's going on, not what's, not not about what's, not going on.

But what is going on so it's, an inquiry? So for me, it's, not a how-to grieve, but it's a question of let's, inquire let's, see what's blocking it.

And thank you for watching.

You can get my book, The Myth of normal in hardcover, audio or yearbook by clicking the link below in the description.

And thanks again.


Why is healthy grieving important? ›

The grieving process is an important part of healing and learning to adjust to life without someone you love so deeply. First and foremost, it is important to recognize your feelings, give yourself time and space to grieve, and take care of yourself after a loss.

What is considered healthy grieving? ›

Healthy grieving means finding a new place in your life for the deceased. You will never forget them, and the goal of healthy grief is not to forget about it, move on, or get over it. The goal is to establish a new relationship with the deceased, one that involves treasuring memories and an enduring connection.

Is grieving healthy or unhealthy? ›

Grief is a normal and natural response to any loss. Grief is a reaction to a variety of losses people suffer throughout their lives. Grief is a paradoxical experience. In other words, you are doing your best healing when you feel the worst.

Why is it important to learn about grief and loss? ›

Grief teaches us that we should live every day creating memories that will comfort us after our loved ones are gone. Grief teaches us about our feelings. Grief teaches us that it is necessary to grieve. It allows us to move forward.

What are important facts about grieving? ›

10 Facts about Grief and Grieving
  • Grief is normal. ...
  • The worst kind of grief is YOURS. ...
  • The way out of grief is through it. ...
  • Your grief is intimately connected to the relationship. ...
  • Grief is hard work. ...
  • Your grief will take longer than most people think. ...
  • Grief is unpredictable. ...
  • There may be “Secondary losses” to deal with.

Is it unhealthy to avoid grief? ›

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can't avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Is it okay not to grieve? ›

People Who Don't Show Grief are Healthy

Not much has been known or studied about resilience or absent grief until recently. Many people assume that those who don't show grief are cold, defensive, or never truly cared about the person they lost. However, this isn't true in most cases.

Is there unhealthy grief? ›

This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life. Different people follow different paths through the grieving experience.

Does losing a loved one make you stronger? ›

When bad things happen they can be painful to go through, but as you continue to live your life without the person, thing, or situation you once had, you become a stronger person. Going through a loss and learning to carry on helps give you the skills to deal with tough situations in the future.

What are the 3 C's of grief? ›

Practice the three C's

As you build a plan, consider the “three Cs”: choose, connect, communicate. Choose: Choose what's best for you. Even during dark bouts of grief, you still possess the dignity of choice. “Grief often brings the sense of loss of control,” said Julie.

What is the unhealthy process of grieving? ›

Unhealthy coping mechanisms may include: Denial- refusing to acknowledge their loss or grief. Risk-taking behavior- this could include acting without thought of consequences and acting out through unhealthy relationships. Substance abuse- turning to alcohol or drugs to numb their feelings.

What is considered unhealthy grieving? ›

Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing. Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include: Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one. Focus on little else but your loved one's death.

How can grief positively impact a person? ›

Post-traumatic growth

Some people have positive experiences following grief and loss, such as a new sense of wisdom, maturity and meaning in life.

Why is taking time to grieve important? ›

She says grieving is a form of learning — one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it. "The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now."

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