Silently Suffering After Pregnancy Loss | Cassandra Blomberg | TEDxSDMesaCollege (2023)

Introduction

In this powerful and emotional talk, Cassandra Blomberg combines her personal journey through pregnancy loss with research on miscarriage and stillbirth to explain why we need to break the silence surrounding this topic. She explains the emotions women and men
may experience during pregnancy loss, how the loss can impact mental health and future children, and what we need to do to better support those going through it.
Cassandra Blomberg earned her elementary education teaching credential and B.A. in Diversified Liberal Arts from the University of San Diego and earned her M.S. from San Diego State University where she studied child and family development. Her passion is supporting
children and their families from pregnancy through early childhood. She has taught first grade, opened a State-funded preschool for low-income children in San Diego, and currently is an adjunct child development instructor in the San Diego Community College District and a parent coach.
Cassandra and her husband, Ryan, have three young sons, but their journey to parenthood has not been easy. Between their first and second sons, Cassandra suffered three miscarriages and the stillbirth of their daughter, Violet. She now dedicates much of her time supporting others who have experienced pregnancy loss. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Content

If you were born in July August or September, raise your hand, July, August and September birthdays.

Everybody look around whenever to look it around to add those who have their hands raised.

This is about 25% of our audience.

Well, the invisible reality for 25% of women who become pregnant is that they will lose their babies to miscarriage or stillbirth.

Many of these women won't even be aware of this shocking statistic until they become a part of it.

Because unfortunately, in our society, pregnancy loss is a taboo subject.

This lack of discussion surrounding pregnancy loss, leaves couples suffering in silence and here's.

The thing when we have other deaths in our lives, whether it be a friend, a family member, a co-worker a pet, we share that loss with others.

We talk about it.

We post about it on social media.

This results in an outpouring of support.

And this support is wonderful and necessary for us to heal and move forward.

However, for many couples who are dealing with pregnancy lost that loss since just as devastating as other losses in our lives, but they're not receiving the same type of support that they need to move forward because it's not beautifu.

We need to do better I'm, an early childhood, a specialist and a Child and Family Development instructor.

But my most important job is being mommy to these three amazing little boys Mason is 6 Cyrus is 2 and Beckett is 1 hashtag boy ball.

My husband and I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy.

And by the time ASA was just a few months old.

We knew we wanted more children.

Mason desperately wanted a little sister.

When I found out I was pregnant with Cyrus.

He would beg and plead and wish and hope that the baby would be a girl.

He would grow up with lists of girls names like rosebud and rainbow anytime.

He passed girls clothing section at the story.

He'd pick up the dresses that he wanted for his future.

Sister.

So I'll, never forget what I found out what I was having and I came down.

And then I sat Mason down on the couch and I, very excitedly told him me stand the baby's a boy he looked at me a little cockeyed and asked it, is it a girl? Boy, no he's, a boy.

Boy, what Mason didn't understand because he was too young at the time is that you did have a sister.

Her name was violet.

And she was stillborn.

In fact, between the time that Mason is 1 and I became pregnant Osiris.

My husband and I had for pregnancy losses.

We lost one baby at five weeks when maybe at nine weeks when at 12 and a half weeks and violet, who is stillborn, I, I haven't had months.

We went through two and a half years of hell after those losses, I knew that in order to heal and move forward I had to do something so I did two things.

One I, threw myself into researching everything I could about pregnancy loss at a time when I felt so out of control.

It felt like researching and learning about it was one thing I had control of and two I began sharing my experience and I realized that not only was I receiving support, but I was giving support to other women too.

And it was through this journey of sharing my experience that I realized we need to break the silence surrounding pregnancy loss.

So that we can better support the couples who are going through it during my losses.

When I was in the thick of it I felt very isolated and unsupported.

In fact, after every one of my losses, I was back at work at that time.

I really should have been grieving.

I didn't, tell anyone at work about my miscarriages because I just didn't feel comfortable talking about them.

I was ashamed.

No one else talked about their miscarriages.

Why is that? Anyway, after I had piloted my stillborn I ever networked, New, Era's perimeter.

So far long so I had to tell that I have lost the baby and I'll.

Never forget I delivered her on a Saturday side.

Now, there's, nothing quite like the feeling of walking into a hospital pregnant and leaving the hospital empty without your baby, but I delivered her on a Saturday.

And the following Tuesday I was teaching an infant toddler development class, I'll, never forget that night because the topic that I was covering was pregnancy.

That was rough for a long time.

I would talk about violet.

But not my other losses.

I just I was so ashamed and I.

Didn't want people to know how many times I had failed.

It also felt like if I only talked about violet and not the other ones I could pretend like they didn't happen.

And my mind could not process losing four babies I, just wanted it to all go away.

But it did it if you're not convinced the society in general in the United States it's, unsupportive of pregnancy loss, I want you to think about a common practice.

We have here waiting until you're past the first trimester or around 12 or 13 weeks to announce your pregnancy, trust me, what a woman who has been trying to get pregnant.

Finally gets that positive test.

She wants to shout it to the world I'm having a baby.

It is so difficult to wait to share this news, but we do and that's because the majority of miscarriages happen in the first trimester.

So kind of feels like after that point you're out of the danger zone.

So if a woman miscarries and she hasn't announced her pregnancy, then she also doesn't have to tell anyone about the miscarriage think about it.

Women are preparing ahead of time to mourn in silence, isolated if they lose their babies isn't this ludicrous, there also seems to be a misconception that an earlier loss, isn't as big of a deal as a later loss.

And this isn't true research shows that there's no connection between the gestation, which is how far long my and the amount of grief that a woman feels what I finally started talking about.

My experiences I was shocked to discover some women in my life that had miscarriages that I was completely unaware of I had no idea.

And it was through these conversations with these women that I realized they had also had to silently process, the same emotions that I had these emotions that many women and men experienced when going through pregnancy loss are guilt with fear confusion, heartbreak and isolation.

The guilts what did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn't have lifted me swing to the shopping cart that day.

Maybe it was that cheese I ate at the dinner party.

Last week that cramp I felt I knew I should have gone to the doctor.

Maybe I didn't drink enough water, maybe I drink too much.

But what is Cudas widows and should'ves are overwhelming? And the reality is that the vast majority of pregnancy losses are out of a woman's control with 90% of first trimester losses, being caused by chromosomal issues.

But that didn't stop me from wondering what I could've done differently and it's this guilt that leads to the shame that surrounds pregnancy loss, the fear will I ever be able to have another baby what's wrong with my body will I ever be happy.

Again, the confusion, what what went wrong? What do I do now what test should I read what can I do differently in the future to keep happy? Where is God I? Remember, one question that I kept asking myself over and over it was by me I wanted to be a mom since I was a baby myself I, never played with Barbies I would spend my days taking care of baby dolls, I, babysat and I was a teacher and I opened a preschool for low-income kids and I taught future teachers, I dedicated my life to taking care of other people's children.

Why couldn't I take care of my own the heartbreak.

My baby is gone.

And with her remain hopes and dreams everywhere I looked I, saw pregnant women and babies.

And every time I saw a pregnant woman or baby.

My heart shattered into a million pieces all over again.

An isolation is there enough table to have a healthy baby? Why does anyone seem to understand what I'm going through I fell into a dark hole and isolated myself from many of my family and friends for a while it just felt like no one understood the depth of my pain.

And so it was easier to just not talk to anyone that it was a big smile and pretend like everything was okay.

And that wasn't okay, me isolating myself was not okay and that's because potentially severe and long-term consequences can occur when we fail to acknowledge and discuss these emotions, the men and women are going through.

For example, the depression and anxiety rates among those have had a pregnancy loss are staggering one year after a loss, 35 percent of women are clinically depressed.

Three years after the loss, 15 percent of women still are you compare this to the five percent of general female population with clinical depression, and it becomes apparent that more needs to be done to support them.

One of the most devastating consequences of this depression, the anxiety actually affects a woman's future children.

So many people believe and will tell the grieving mother that if she has another baby she'll just get over it, I hope that was true I hope that would be the the magic here that would make all my pain go away.

But research shows, in fact that having another baby does not make the loss of a previous pregnancy, feel any better and I learned that firsthand when I had Cyrus.

Finally, having him after four losses, proved to be a double-edged sword on the one hand, I was so grateful for him.

So when I was up for the 50th time in the middle of the night and so tired, I couldn't, see, straight I, didn't, mind, myself, I'd, rather be awake right rocking my living, oh, wait crying because I had lost another one on the other hand.

Every first with him was a painful reminder that these were experiences and moments that I would never have with violet or my other angel.

Baby that was hard research has been done on women who have delivered a healthy baby within 19 months of a pregnancy loss has discovered that 45% almost half of these infants develop the disorganized attachment.

And this is a really big deal.

So in a normal healthy relationship, a baby develops, a secure attachment with their mother I, miss ackers from the natural ebb and flow of a responsive caregiver who is emotionally available to meet their baby's needs.

So the baby cries and the mother comforts him and the baby's hungry of the mother feeds him.

And the baby gets into something that he's not supposed to be the mother responds in a calm and developmentally appropriate way.

The baby start to learn like the world is safe.

They have a secure foundation from which to grow and learn and develop other healthy relationships in the future.

On the other hand with a disorganized attachment, the caregiver responds in very unpredictable ways, especially in stressful situations.

So when the baby's been up all night crying or getting into something they're, not supposed to sometimes the mother responds appropriately, but often times of other responses, frightening or frightened ways.

And then the baby doesn't really know what to expect.

They don't feel very safe.

You don't have a secure foundation in which to grow and develop other healthy relationships, many children and adults with the disorganized attachment have externalizing behaviors.

So they'll deal with stress in their life with violence and aggression.

You know, research has shown that this disorganized attachment occurs when a mother has a trauma or a loss that has been unresolved.

So when you think about it that way it makes sense that a mother who has a pregnancy, Lawson didn't, receive the support she needed to heal him forward, but then has another baby could potentially result in a organize attachment.

We need to do more to support these folks and I know it can be difficult to find the right words to say to someone who's going through a pregnancy last bit.

There is a short list of things that are definitely not helpful.

So I'm going to give a quick crash course in phrases to avoid we're talking to somebody well, at least, you know, you can get pregnant.

Now you can always have another baby can I can I really have another baby.

You know that I don't know that remember that fear I was talking about earlier more than ever now I know that there's no guarantees, unless you have a crystal ball, something must have been wrong with the pregnancy.

You know, so it's probably for the best.

And how does this help my kills by the way I'd rather have my baby with something wrong than not my baby at all? You know, miscarriage is pretty common.

You know, it happens.

It's kind of part of the process that happens, sometimes 25% and all yeah.

And a hundred percent of people die.

But that doesn't make it any easier.

Does it needed another angel and I would have happily handed my child over to him in another hundred.

And ten years, really any silver lining on the Brightside type of comment should be avoided.

Because, however, well-intentioned all these thing is is that it feels like they trivialize.

The loss and therein lies the problem because there's nothing trivial about miscarriage or stillbirth.

So do those of you who have not had a loss that may be supporting someone through it? Remember, this could be your mother's story.

It could be your grandmother's story.

Your heirs.

This could happen to your daughter, your sister, your friend, your coworker, maybe it already has and you're just not aware.

Please know that the pain someone's feeling we partially mitigated with empathy and support treat that lost the same way you would treat any other loss in your life.

Don't be afraid to ask them at how they're feeling, or let them know that you're thinking about them or their baby.

Trust me, baby's, not far from their minds.

So bringing it up will not cause them more pain instead, it will let them know that you recognize their grief is real and give them the opportunity to talk.

And they want to those of you who are going through your loss or have gone to your loss.

I'm sorry, I know, it's hard and I know, you won't always want to but talk about your loss, keeping that grief, hidden is it healthy for you or your future? Children? You are not alone.

And once you start sharing your experience, you'll find others who have gone through some other thing.

You can be each other's support connecting with others who have had a similar experience can be powerful and healing, join support groups online and in-person go to a therapist don't ever question.

Why you're feeling so much pain over the loss of someone you never knew your loss was real.

And so is your pain.

This may be one of the most difficult things you go through, but you will regain a sense of normalcy for me.

I have learned that the four babies I've lost is part of my story.

And well, it is the most difficult thing that I've ever had to endure I was able to heal and move forward by finally, finding the strength to make my reality, visible to help myself heal and help others as well I choose to share my experience whenever appropriate in whatever way possible when I went in person and in online support groups.

And by being today, I hope, others who are suffering in silence will benefit by doing the same.

And because of what we've gone through my husband and I are so grateful for the three boys that we do have.

And we Church are days that are filled with stinky feet wrestling and new song, renditions like twinkle, twinkle little part, but are also some bugs.